Car Accident.

Just a heads up to let you all know what’s going on…

I had a pretty bad car accident on  Wednesday, and to make it worse I had a suspended license already, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sued bu the people in the other car.

It wasn’t completely my fault, these 2 people in a ute were waving their arms at the side of the road, and the people in front hit the brakes, then I hit the brakes hard, but I impacted at around 40-60KM/h.

The car isn’t mine…and I don’t know where to get the money from to replace it, the other car I impacted didn’t receive much damage, just a small prang in the read bumper, but mine is a total write off because I hit the said ute also when the car flung back into it.

Cracked rib and a cracked vertebrae.

All I can say is that I’m in alot of trouble.

Isaac.

How To: Codeine on the Cheap

Stuff Needed:

20-30CC Syringe (20-30ml)

Mortar and Pastle, or something similar to crush pills.

Small Glass

Water.

Filter (Toilet Paper or Cotton Bud, 1/8inch thick)

Crush 5-7 Pills (This is Australia, so Nurofen Plus or Panafen Plus) which contain 200MG of Ibuprofen and 12.8MG of Codeine, do NOT try this with paracetomal containing pills, BAD, LIVER FAILURE).

Add crushed powder to glass and add 5-10CC (5-10ML) of water, stir around for a little bit (1min).

Now soak your filter material and push it down to the bottom of the 20-30CC Syringe that you have, use the plunger to push it down, squeeze out most of the water.

Now you add the solution from the glass to the syringe, put the plunger back on, and start squeezing and drop by drop in a clean glass, you’ll have near pure codeine which you can IV or IM or Drink if you like.

Note: Squeezing will take some out of your hands, so put the syringe down for acouple of minutes, have a smoke, then go back to it and start again, you’ll know when you’re finished when it starts to filter out foam.

Isaac.

PS: I’m a week clean from drugs.

Tie the Strings

I stand by what I wrote yesterday, but I should add the main reason I went psychotic:

The last weekend I was staying a night with my Mom, during the night around Midnight sometime I awoke with extreme pain in my left eye, so painful I wish I had a busted Femur, so I took my contacts out and after 4 hours managed to open my eyes to see.

Wait 2 days because of a public Holiday, I had an appointment with my Optometrist to see what was going on…and that is when the trouble started in the morning;

My partner is slow at times and it took him over 15 minutes to shower and brush his teeth which left me late for my Opto Appointment, that’s when it began.

After my appointment, I just wanted to go home, but he ended up dragging me to a shopping square and I was left waiting on a bench for an hour (my choice, I didn’t feel like walking around, not Mark’s fault, but my own) fuming and hanging out…so after getting home he kept talking and talking to me when I just wanted to be left alone for an hour, so when he went to my door and said “What the hells going on!?”, I just went nuts.

So that’s basically what started the anger off in me, but also the drugs were apart of it I guess.

Today I’m doing fine and feeling fine, I’ve patched some of the issues up with my partner, and he’s starting to learn that i need my own time to let me rest my mind and just cruise the net for a while or just read a book…I lived in isolation for most of my life, and being talked to constantly all the time and being in contact all the time…I just can’t take it.

Isaac.

The Demon Boils with Psychosis

The self control I once had is now lost in a mist of Drugs and Anti-Psychotics that I take to control the once joyful life I had, now the life I have is that of an old man of 80 with a drinking problem trying to figure out why his wife left him….

I lasted 14 days Heroin free until I thought it was a good idea to just “have a shot” to see if I could deal with it, but damn was that a fucking massive mistake, my usgae isn’t as bad as it was, but I’m still using and today i ran out and my dealer and my partners dealer phone isn’t on and I’m hanging off the wall.

Yesterday I had a psychotic moment and grabbed my partner by the throat and almost snapped it, I’m just glad that I’m not any stronger in my upper body, otherwise…the picture wouldn’t be so perfect and I wouldn’t be typing this shit up.

I don’t know why I snapped, I didn’t have a large amount of drugs in my body, infact I barely had anything and wasn’t hanging off the wall, but the self-control I once had just didn’t kick in at that moment I grabbed his throat…he ios the most gentle and apologetic person I have ever known and wouldn’t dare lay a hand on me or anyone else even while being bashed, he will just take it, and the moment he said I could bash him every day and he would still love me…I knew I was a fuck up, plain and simple I’m a fuck up.

I was once a Federal Officer (In training to become a Narcotics Officer while training for this position) for ASIO tracking down and finding pedophiles with a great career and money to boot, now I’m just a stay at home person who needs heroin and anti-psychotics to keep normal and a neural disease that is killing the nerve coverings of my body with heavy metal poisoning…how fucked up can I seriously get!?

I’ll let you decide on my mumbling post.

Resting The Demon Inside

What is the Demon I speak of in the Title? That would be a 2month long addiction to Heroin, a very dirty drug that I managed to become an addict to.

Why am I writing this up and telling the public? Because I have no shame in what I’ve done, and this is the first day of me being clean and not having any of the drug that controlled my life for near to over 2 months.

I always said to myself I would never touch a needle or do an IV drug, but for love I did it…my partner was an addict and I wanted to feel the same pain and high that he had, and I felt it and I hated it but I needed more eventually to control the demon inside of me.

For the hatred I had for the drug I couldn’t stop myself, even with every shot I would feel dirty for touching that needle, but for now I’m clean from it, I have nothing to hide, and I will leave you all with pictures of use I had.

The photos are of my last shot from lastnight, and the ever growing box of needles I had stored up to photo in the end of what I had done and used.

My Last Shot

Needle Collection

Preparation

Track Marks

I have no shame in telling the world of what I’ve done, and I hope others will speak openly about the addictions that they’ve had in their life.

Isaac.

Here I Am

No Introduction this time, just a plain old post:

Since the last post some things in my life have changed; I’ve got a new Partner, I’ve Moved, and some Mental Health Issues have arisen.

I met my Partner, Mark, while I was in the Mental Health Clinic last year (If you read back a few posts you’ll see partly why), he was not a patient but a visitor for a neighbouh who had a little “nut” episode at home.

After being discharged from the clinic (we did exchange numbers while I was in the Clinic), I put the whole thing aside for nearly 9months until I decided to send an SMS to see if he’d like to a see a movie or have lunch or something like that…and after that we were basically together, I moved in with Mark about a month after we watched the new “007 James Bond” Movie at the Cinemas.

He loved me basically since the start from seeing me…but I didn’t want anything to do with anyone (Women or Men) after the Clinic, but I saw the same love he had for me when I started contact again.

And to add; I guess this is one of the first admissions for me to say that yes, I am Gay, but I also have a “Straight” (lack of words) to me aswell, and for later on in life, I hope my Kids (later in age if they want to “know me”) don’t push me aside for that reason (and for all hope in the world, they don’t carry or inherit the Genetic trait of Gay/Bi from me).

As for the Mental health Issues, I have’nt been doing as good as I wish to admit; some to do with the Heavy Metal, but some are for other reasons which I may explain later on.

I’ll leave you all with a photo I took of myself this morning (9/4/2009), and to that, love you all….

Isaac.

April, Myself

The Way The Arsenic Turns

I’ve been found to have been exposed to certain chemical that are in the low and midto high ranges in my body, they are Arsenic, Mercury and Lead.

The exposure has been happening over the past several years in small amounts, and in the past 6-12 months to be in very high amounts from working with Electronic hardware without the use of respirator or protection equipment when burning and repairing the electronic PCB boards, motherboards, and just about anything you will find in general electronics (PCs, VCRs, Powerdecks, TVs etc), when soldering or when it starts to burn, those electronic boards release a stack of toxic heavy metals; Arsenic, Lead, Cyanide, Mercury, Barium and many others.

This accounts for severe behavioural problems (mood swings, violent tendencys), headaches and very awful migraines,chronic stomach pains, weakness in my legs, arms and hands, damage to nervous system memory lapses and eyesight changes along with others.

My body at first in many ways built up a tolerance to these chemicals, but after many years the strain and the higher amounts of these chemicals started to take a cascading type effect on my body which started with normal headaches acouple of times a week, being agitated for no reason or simple reasons, some stomach pains and etc, so the symptoms didn’t really addup as they were happening at different times until they started to mix and happen at the same times.

While the exposure is high, the treatment is quite simple, chelation therapy will attempt to separate the heavy metals that bind to other proteins in the blood and expidite them from my body, it will be 6 to 12 months of treatment.

When I look back over the years and to my recent drug use (my recent, AKA relapse back into drugs), some of it adds up on how I got to the stage of heavy drug use that I began with, it started off with simple painkillers over the shelf, then started to increase the amount and types of drugs until I ended up taking high dosages of morphine and other higher drugs, but that only explains how I started with taking higher amounts of drugs, not why I enjoyed the life it gave me, I guess I just liked the party and destructive lifestyle I had, and in many ways I still miss not having it anymore.

Isaac.

NO WAI Scratch what I last said….

say what!?!? i said the same thing o.o < I’ll see to you when I get back.

Hello…?

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted I think, might aswell do so if anyone is still reading my blog.

I’ve been quite busy with my real life and with my own work and studies lately that I havn’t been bothered about or caring about updating my blog anymore, and really have not much of an interest in doing so.

Pretty much in a nutshell, I’ve lost all caring in doing most things as of late, that can probably be summed up as me getting older and paying more attention to my work and to my studies instead of being an idiot like I used to be.

I don’t try and fight the fact that I’m not a young person anymore…I don’t party, I don’t drink, and I’ve lost interest in most things that you’d do in your teenage years and your 20s…things change in life, and I’ve changed more then anything in the last year when I did the stupid act of trying to kill myself.

Guess when your life is brought back only minutes away from death and going into cardiac arrest 3 times, having liver damage, kidney damage, and a life of memory loss; you learn to respect life a little more then how you did before it happened.

At the moment I’m doing well, I’m quite a long distance away from home as I’m on Holidays at the moment, partly for a break, and partly because of another thing.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year for everyone.

Stay good!

Isaac.

No More

I say no more.

Stay cool, all.

Isaac.